Regret
by nathantics
Summary: He takes a breath and is about to start. But he stops. He watches her with her eyes closed, hands pressed to her temples and can't help but notice the absence of the ring on her left hand. Post-Watershed. This may or may not rip your heart out.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, nor do I own any characters relating to Castle.

1

She sits in her chair at her desk and stares at the stones on the band around her finger. It's been 12 long hours since six, since she woke and had kissed him goodbye.

"_You'll be at home by 7?" he mumbles into the bed sheets.  
"Yes, and I will be waiting," she smiles.  
"Why don't you just bring your clothes here already?" he whines.  
"Because I haven't had much notice Castle. You called me last night and told me to come over because it was an 'emergency'."  
He laughs in reply and says goodbye as she walks out the door, laying there as he hears the front door click shut._

And there's this feeling of euphoria that runs through her, that sends her mind away to another dimension when she thinks of him and how far they've come.  
"Having second thoughts Beckett?"  
She looks up to see Esposito and shakes her head as she chuckles.  
"I'm off," she says, "I'll see you tomorrow."  
Kate grabs her leather jacket and steps onto the elevator. The doors close and she covers her mouth to try and supress the laughter and smile that escapes because she's so happy. Holding onto the handrail she's so glad to be getting off early to surprise him at the loft because he thinks that she's meeting her at her apartment later in the night. She can already see the wonder on his face when he opens the door to find her and in her mind she tries to grasp the image of him and his beautiful face. She steps out of the elevator into the warm air, it compresses her as it weighs down on her petite frame though tonight she doesn't notice because she's going to see him in half an hour and nothing and no one else is in her thoughts.

* * *

Kate swings the plastic bag in the hand filled with the Chinese takeout and checks the time, hoping that he hasn't left the loft to go to her place yet as she greets Castle's doorman with a nod to thank him for holding the door open for her. She raps lightly on his red door though she waits and no one comes. She turns the cold handle to be met with tense whispers coming from his room. She stands at the door and concentrates on the muffled words. She knows she shouldn't be eavesdropping though the anxiety in his voice is causing her to worry. His voice clears and she realises there are two bodies in his room.  
"Rick," she hears. It's a woman, and immediately she can feel her pulse in her neck.  
"What are you saying?" Kate hears the voice continue.  
"Jen, I'm saying that…. I'm saying that it's _over_," Castle says. "Kate, she's staying. I…. I love her and I can't lie to her anymore. Lie about us. Every time I see you I'm betraying her. I don't want this to continue because I'm going to hurt her," he pleads.  
"Rick, you're hurting _me_," Jen says.  
"I'm sorry, but I can_not _do this anymore. You need to leave. Now."  
"I'm never going to see you again am I?"  
"Kate is enough for me Jen. She's staying her me and I need you to understand that she's all I need," he says sternly.

Kate notices her breathing has gotten louder and she closes her hands over her mouth as a tear catches in the circle of her mouth. She's suffocating in the hallway of his loft and all she wants is to escape. She runs, runs down the stairs because she can't stand to have to wait for the elevator and be near him for any longer than necessary. She claws at the collar of her shirt as she stands on the bustling street beneath his building. A woman comes out of his building, brunette and tall. Kate knows immediately that it's her. She restricts herself from approaching her because all she wants to do is shake the life out of that woman's body and slam her to the floor while accuse her of ruining her relationship with Castle.  
_Rick_, she thinks. _She calls him fucking Rick.  
_She runs onto the street, causing several horns to blare at her, and gets into the first cab that she sees.

* * *

Castle's standing at her door fifteen minutes early, hoping that she's there because he simply cannot wait to see her. He hears a rustling noise escape from inside and he lets himself in.  
"Kate, I need to tell you something," he announces as he steps inside.  
He notices boxes stacked in her living room, smiling to himself, hoping that it's her stuff because he so desperately wants her to move in with her.  
"Castle?"  
She sees him standing there and anger rises in her. She can't bring her eyes to his and she finds herself trembling, wondering where their relationship is going to go.  
Kate furrows her brow and starts, "Were you ever going to tell me?"  
She watches as his face drops. _It's all fucking true, _she thinks.  
"Yes," he whispers. "But-" And she cuts him off.  
"Are you fucking kidding me!?" she screams. "You're going to come up with a pathetic story to get yourself out of this!?"  
She presses both of her palms to her forehead. She presses long and hard, hoping to wake herself up from this alternate universe where her world is collapsing in and engulfing her.

He takes a breath and is about to start. But he stops. He watches her with her eyes closed, hands pressed to her temples and can't help but notice the absence of the ring on her left hand.  
"Castle," she breathes. "I'm taking the job in DC."  
He takes several steps towards her, attempting to close the chasm between them but she reciprocates by stepping backwards.  
He desperately pleads, "We can do it together, fix it – "  
"Alone, Castle. Without you."  
She can see the hurt in his eyes and she's almost glad that he is wounded on the inside. She wants him to know the pain that she is feeling.  
Suddenly his got his hands on her shoulders, begging for her.  
"Kate. Kate, I want to fix this, fix us."  
"Castle, there's nothing left because you've burnt us to the ground," she whispers. "Just tell me why. I need to know."  
She's looking into his eyes, hoping that there's the hint of answer but he stays silent.  
"Tell me why!" she repeats and she raises her voice. "Just fucking tell me why Rick!"

He tenses at the use of his first name.  
And unexpectedly she's pounding at his chest, demanding answers.  
"Was I not enough for you!? Am I enough for you now!? Are _we_ enough!?"  
She's grasping onto him, afraid that she might fall to the ground if she lets go. She takes in the smell of him and finds that she's drenched his blue shirt, the one that she loves, in her tears. She pulls away from him after not long enough.  
"Castle, you should go," she breathes.  
She doesn't meet his eyes, scared that she will just start yelling at him again. He stands there, hoping she will meet his gaze but instead she moves towards the entryway and opens the door for him.  
"Kate," he tries, and attempts to caress her face but she turns away from him, focussing her gaze on the hard wood floor.  
He steps and she closes the door behind him. He stands there, hesitant to leave as he hears her sobs through the door and he so desperately want to hold her in his arms and take away the pain that he has inflicted upon her.

* * *

"Oh Richard, you're home!" welcomes Martha. She notices her son looks sad and frowns at him. "Richard, darling what's wrong? Did you tell Kate?"  
"No," he replies.  
She tilts her head. "She has the right to know. What will she think when she discovers that you've been hiding this from her. Don't you think that she deserves to know? You know what he said about- "  
"I know what he said mother. Don't you think that I've replayed his words over and over, repeatedly in my head?"  
He's surprised at the tone of his voice and continues. "I'm sorry Mother. I think I'm going to call it a night."  
He kisses her on the cheek and makes his way to his bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Well guys, I tried to do those deep and meaningful paragraphs that are in those amazing fics but I just failed miserably.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, nor do I own any characters relating to Castle.

2

She lays between her sheets and presses her eyes closed, wishing away the events of the previous two days. She hasn't spoken or seen anyone in the last day. Dragging herself up, she places her feet on the wooden floors and at least attempts to keep herself together for her meeting with the captain. The image of herself in the mirror creates no reaction from her. She sees the thin line of her lips and matt colour of her cheeks and she quickly turns away.

* * *

The bullpen is close to empty when she arrives at the precinct, hoping not to run into Esposito or Ryan. She finds herself scanning the floor for them before she steps off of the elevator to avoid talking to them. The first thing she sees is the sight of his chair, his god-damn chair. The phone in her hand vibrates suddenly, jolting her out of thoughts. _Esposito _she reads and without hesitation selects "Ignore" to decline his call. She quickly runs to the captain's office in order to lessen the risk of running into him.

"Sir," Kate greets.  
"Detective Beckett, come in," Gates replies. "I assume that you are here to discuss the job in DC?"  
Kate's wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans and rearranges her black leather jacket.  
"Yes, Sir. I'm here to resign," and she places her Glock on her desk. She reaches for her badge at her belt and runs her trembling fingers over the numbers_, 41319_, for the last time and places it beside the gun.  
"I'm proud of you Beckett," she nods.  
Kate finds herself standing at her desk awkwardly still, not knowing how to response except with a "Thank you, Sir."  
"Good luck Beckett," she promptly replies.  
She turns around to nod Gates another thank you and turns the cold handle of the door and shuts it behind her. She presses her lips together to suppress to tears in the ducts of her eyes that are threatening to fall. She exhales and wipes the water away to compose herself before she starts walking.

"Yo, Beckett! You're here already? I was just looking for you. Your phone off or something? A body just dropped, let's go," Esposito states, trying to catch her attention. But she continues walking through the homicide department.  
"Beckett! Beckett!" but again there's no response. "Kate!"  
Esposito turns to Ryan and they give each other questioning looks and shrug their shoulders.  
Kate steps in between the cold walls of the elevator for the last time and catches a glimpse of the 12th Precinct's homicide department for the last time as the elevator doors close.

She's so thankful when the short ride to the morgue is over.  
"Girl, I haven't found anything yet. Come back later when I actually have some information for you," exclaims Lanie when she sees Kate out of the corner of her eye swing the door open. She catches her again and furrows her brow. "What did Castle do this time?" she questions when she sees the blank stare on Kate's face.  
Her eyes widen with worry when she doesn't reply. "What's wrong?"  
"His been with another woman Lanie," she finally says.  
She can't hold her hurt in any longer so she sits on the chair beside her and buries her face in her hands. Her shoulders shake profusely as her sobs echo throughout, bouncing off the steel benches.  
"I'm so sorry, baby," Lanie apologizes. She wipes Kate's tears away and places tissues in her hands as she continues to shed tears. She knows all she can do is hug her shaking form.  
After five minutes Kate looks up.  
"Is he going to fix it?" she asks.  
Kate responds with a shrug. "I don't know if he can."  
"Kate, do you love him?"  
"Lanie, I don't know."  
"Do you love him?" she asks again, this time more sternly.  
"I…" she sighs. "I do, but that's just not enough. I need to trust him and I don't know if I can do that anymore without doubting him or myself."  
"I'm not on anyone's side," she begins, "but perhaps you should give him a chance to work it out at least."  
Kate shakes her head. "No Lanie. I'm going to DC," she declares.

They've talked for half an hour, Beckett retelling the story of how she arrived at his loft and heard him talking, only to have him confirm his actions later that night, how they fought and how she had thrown him out of her apartment. She left, saying goodbye to Lanie, saying that she would see her tomorrow afternoon to see her off.

* * *

"Ryan, heard anything from Beckett recently?" Esposito wonders to him.  
"Got nothing," he shrugs in return.  
Esposito rises from his chair at his desk and makes his way over to Gate's office, knowing that she was in there earlier taking with the captain.  
"Come in," welcomes Gates. "Have you receives any news on the victim from Dr. Parish?"  
"Not yet, Sir," he pauses. "But I was wondering, is there any reason as to why Beckett isn't here?"  
"Detective Esposito, Beckett has chosen to resign. She's been offered the position in DC," she informs.  
"Oh," he replies, in shock that she hadn't shared the news with him or Ryan.  
A knocking comes from the window to the office and Esposito turns to see Ryan motion for him to come out.  
"Thank you, Sir," he says as he leaves.  
"Espo, Lanie's got something for us," informs Ryan and they head to the morgue.

* * *

Castle lies in his bed, the size of it reminding him of the absence of Kate. He misses the smell of her, the way her hair frames her delicate face, and it saddens him that he might not get to see it again because his actions have obliterated any hope of them returning to what he accepted as normal after five years. And what causes more misery is that the vision of her waking up next to him in the morning, watching the sun catching on her eyelashes and cheeks is fading from his mind. He pounds the empty pillow that lays unslept on, on her side in frustration.

A rapping on the door interrupts him and Martha enters his room. She sits on the corner of his bed, causing the mattress to sag, reminding him again of the feeling of Kate getting into bed with him and wrapping her arms around him at night.

"Darling, I know something is bothering you. I could tell the second you walked in last night," she starts while waving her arm around in a dramatic fashion.  
"Kate is going to DC."  
He can hear his mother gasp. She holds her hand over her mouth in disbelief.  
He continues, "She's leaving tomorrow… Without me."  
"You mean…."  
"Yes! It's not happening anymore. We're not getting married! I mean she's leaving tomorrow. She's made her decision."  
"Richard, if she's leaving tomorrow… You don't know when you'll see her again, _if_ you'll see her again."  
"Mother, please don't say that!" he yells.  
He sits up and can see that she is crying silent tears and in an instance regrets his words.  
"I _will_ tell her. I'll tell her today," he promises. "Please lay off though. I just don't want this to be happening, not right now."  
"Richard, I _never_ dreamed of this happening," and she's holding onto him letting her tears fall onto his shoulder.  
"I'm so sorry Mother, causing all this grief. I don't know what to do, and for the first time I don't know what to say."  
"Say what she deserves to hear Richard."  
He nods in reply.  
"I'm going to the studio today. Please call me," she says and turns to leave.

He struggles to remove himself from the bed and doesn't even offer a thought as to what clothing he is putting on. He just needs to see her, even if it's for the last time.

After hailing down a cab his on his way, running through how he is going to even remotely make her listen. He knows he needs to tell her because keeping this secret from her is weighing him down even more so. Taking out his wallet he pays the cab driver and tells him to keep the change, hoping that good Karma is on his side. He greets familiar faces in the lobby of the precinct and heads towards the elevator. He steps off as the doors chime open for him. Immediately he sees Esposito coming his way.

"Hey, Espo. Have you seen Beckett around?"  
"Castle, I think you should leave," Esposito says sternly.  
"Wha-?"  
"I _said _that you should leave. Now!" His voice rising with every word. He sees Castle's dumbfounded look and fury threatens to escape from his already heated body.  
"I know what you did to Beckett!" he accuses. "Lanie told me earlier this morning!" He spits out the words like acid on his tongue.  
"Esposito," he begs, "I just need to see her."  
The precinct pauses in its commotion of the morning and everyone stops to see what the cause of the yelling is.  
"Espo, I need to tell her-"  
"Tell her what? That you're sorry? Because it sure as hell ain't gonna work seeing as she's leaving tomorrow." He cuts him off abruptly and he begins to walk away, but Castle desperately grabs his shoulder to stop him and Esposito delivers a blinding blow to the left side of Castle face.  
"You stay the fuck away from her! You hear me, Castle!?" he demands, furiously pointing his finger at him, silencing Castle. "In fact, stay the hell away from us!" He motions to the precinct. " All of us!"  
"Javi," interrupts Ryan. He pushes on Esposito's chest, hoping to calm him down before another outburst of rage. "Just walk away."

Castle clutches onto the wall, bringing his hand up to his bleeding lip as he watches Ryan and Esposito walk away. He lets out a shaky breath and he's over it, over this predicament that he has put himself in. How he's built a trap for himself. He is overcome with fury and pounds at the brick wall, causing his knuckles to draw bloody and it hurts so much. Though to him, it doesn't hurt enough.

The cab driver doesn't ask questions, he only drives, when he sees that state that he is in. He drops Castle off in silence outside his loft. Castle stands in the elevator, thankful that neither Martha nor Alexis are home yet for dinner from the studio or class. He sighs as he repeatedly tries to place his key inside the keyhole, and lets himself in. The phone in his pocket rings and he picks up.  
"Mother," he answers.  
"Oh Richard," she breathes, "Did you tell her yet?"  
"Yes." He lets the lie hang in mid-air.  
"And…..?"  
"It doesn't matter. She's leaving anyway," he hangs up.


	3. Chapter 3

**I know you guys love quick updates. And also the fact that my aim is to finish this before the season premiere...**

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, nor do I own any characters relating to Castle.

3

Castle tenses at the sight of himself in his bathroom mirror. Because _oh God, _he looks so much worse than he thought. He traces his fingers over the bruise already forming over his left cheek and examines his cut lip, the dried blood smeared over his chin. He lets out a frustrated sigh while he turns the tap on and lets the cold water run over his skinned knuckles. He grimaces and sucks in a breath at the stinging sensation he experiences when his wounded flesh meets the cold stream of water. He rubs at his fingers, rubbing the dried blood off with too much enthusiasm causing it to start bleeding again and his just too tired to keep going. He braces himself on the sides of the basin and locks his eyes shut, praying that the next time he opens them she'll be standing behind him, holding him, drawing circles with her fingers on his forearms. But next to him is far from where she stands. He carelessly opens the medicine cabinet to retrieve a bandage for his raw knuckles and wraps it half-heartedly around them.

He makes his way out, across the lounge room to the kitchen, cradling his poorly bandaged hand against his chest as he rummages through the fridge to prepare dinner before – _shit – _before Martha and Alexis arrive for dinner. He slams the fridge door closed causing the bottles on the side door rattle. He releases a breath and sets his forehead on the door of the fridge. At that moment he doesn't care what dinner is because he has to come up with an explanation as to why he is in such a state. He eventually settles on _the truth_.

They're finally home after his undergone two and a half tedious hours of endless pacing and running his fingers through his hair and it's just the reaction he expects.  
"Dad!" exclaims Alexis at the same time Martha gushes "Richard, what has happened to your lovely face?"  
"Mother, Alexis, please. Is it okay if we eat first?" He answers.  
They share worrying looks with each other and nod to him before silently walking over to the dinner table. He turns on the lights because his been so lost that he hasn't even realised that it has grown dark.

Together, they place the dinner atop the table and unspeaking, sit. They shuffle their food around on their plates and stare at Castle for an arduous long ten minutes before Alexis drops her fork onto her plate with a clank.  
"Dad, I'm worried," she shares.  
He looks up and meets her eyes for the first time since they've sit down. He looks over at Martha and she stares back with curiosity in her blue eyes.  
"Oh, Richard. I can't sit here not knowing why you've hardly said a word. Though I know this is because of Kate," presses Martha.  
"What? Dad…What happened with Kate?" questions Alexis.  
"Alexis," Martha starts, "Kate is going to DC."  
"Dad, are you moving?" She looks over at him with tears in her eyes.  
"No, Pumpkin. Kate and I….Kate and I aren't together anymore," he confesses. "I need to tell you guys something."  
They keep their eyes on him.  
"This afternoon, I went to the precinct to find Kate to tell her. Detective Esposito approached me…." From his seat at the head of the table he can see their parted lips in disbelief. He carries on. "Because I've… I've been with someone else," he eventually says.  
The silence within the room is piercing.  
"Dad, _please _say this is a sick joke. After _everything _that has happened you're saying that you've betrayed her? You know, perhaps you deserve what you got!" She stresses the last words to ensure maximum impact on him. Alexis fiercely pushes her chair back and leaves for the stairs before Castle can process what has just been said.  
"Richard, you foolish man," Martha threatens. Though she sees the pained expression on his face, "Richard," she assures and places her hand on his shoulder. "Alexis did not mean what she said. She was angry and was in absolutely no way processing her words before she spoke."  
"It's okay, Mother," he shakes her off.

She leaves him there at the dinner table, sitting alone slumped over his plate. She makes her way up the stairs to Alexis's bedroom and knocks faintly on her door. She sees her gathered in her sheets, her eyelashes brushing against the pillow she's hugging so tightly as though the inanimate object might suddenly fly away. The tears are tumbling over her flushed cheeks and she looks away from her grandmother.  
"I didn't mean it," she swears as she shakes her head.  
"Oh darling. I know. He knows too," she assures her. She rocks her granddaughter in the dark and they silently weep together.  
"He needs to be here with us, his family," whispers Alexis. "I'm secretly glad his not going," she smiles. "I just can't believe what his done. I understand why Kate's leaving but….. Oh, I just don't know anymore." She turns to look at her grandmother. "It's just that all this time they've been waiting for each other. And suddenly she's leaving him like _this_. Doesn't she feel guilty Grams?"  
"Alexis, the thing is that once you know something, you cannot remove it from your mind. And when you see that one person it's all you can think about."  
Alexis lets out a shaky breath and they sit in the shadowy room, wrapped in each other's arms.

The next morning he's lying between the sheets when suddenly they're pulled off of him. It jolts him awake when he realises his mother is standing above him. He furrows his brows and checks the time. _2pm. Shit._ It had been months since he had slept in so late.  
"Richard Castle, get up. Now, and get dressed," demands Martha.  
"What?" he questions.  
"Richard, we're leaving to go to the airport in half an hour. Detective Ryan invite us to see Kate off," she informs.  
He doesn't reply. He just continues laying there, still with his face buried into his pillow, his fist clenched around the corner of it. He raises his head and the sun temporarily blinds him. The left side of his face throbs and the cut on his lip is threatening to open. Today he chooses to stay in bed.

* * *

They're all standing there. But she just can't help notice the absence of him. They're all there, staring at Martha and Alexis who strategically avoid eye contact with Esposito, all wondering whether Castle is going to turn up. Kate can feel the tension, so much that she can almost wade through it. She smiles though because they're all here for her and only her. She wants desperately for him to be there so that she can see his eyes again, even if it is for the last time. She suddenly finds herself angry, wondering why the bloody hell he isn't there. That he could at least make the effort to see her. They're making small talk, avoiding the subject of Castle until the conversation dulls to an awkward silence amidst the raucous of the airport.

Martha suddenly speaks up in the midst of the muted conversation.  
"Kate, we're so glad that you're in our lives. All of us," secretly implying Castle.  
They're all hugging within the space of a millisecond and she comes to the realisation that she's going to miss this, hanging out with these people day and night. The act eases the tension within the group and they're talking, words flying in all directions, enquiring Kate as to whom the new Gates will be, to not get her apartment blown up and to most importantly not forget them. She shakes her head at the people surrounding her and suddenly feels so overwhelmed.

All of a sudden it's her flight that is being echoed over the airport and she hesitantly parts with them. She hugs each of them, long and hard, letting out a shaky breathe with each release from each person's arms. She comes to Martha and whispers to her "Tell him goodbye."  
"Kate, you beautiful creature, we'll meet again," she responds. She pulls Kate in into a vice-tight hug and says for only her to hear, "Richard is a stupid man for letting you go." They pull away, their hands slipping through each other's.  
She takes in the sight of his daughter, her blue eyes and cascading red hair and envelops her in a devastating hug, leaving Alexis in tears until she pushes her away chuckling "You're going to miss your flight Kate."

She turns before letting them out of her side. They resume waving when they see her and she gives them a smile to hide the miserable feeling that she's trying to repress to the back of her mind. _He didn't show._

It's a gruelling flight when you're caught between a snoring man and restless child so she's intensely thankful when she steps out of the airport into air that isn't recycled. She waits in line for a cab and digs out her address to recite to the driver.

The brick façade of the building is warm and welcoming though number 5C is anything but. The stark walls are lifeless without photographs of paintings and the limp curtains handing from the windows make her want to rip them down. She's immensely grateful when she spots the shower in her bathroom. She throws down her luggage to tear her soiled clothing off and rummage around to find some shower gel. Her bare feet take her to the bathroom where she twists the taps. She waits for the water to grow hot before she finally gets in.

She takes the loofah and rubs it over her naked skin. She pauses and can't help but imagine his hands caressing her hips, his lips kissing her on her collar bone, his breath on her shoulder. And she thinks of him doing that to another woman. The water has grown too hot and it causes her skin to turn red but she ignores it as she rubs the loofah continuously over herself in an attempt to clean and rub the thought away.

The bubbles on her body subside and she takes the shower gel again to resume. She grasps the bottle of the shower gel - the shower gel he had bought for her. She digs her nails into the bottle, crushing and deforming it. It's almost as if wherever she goes, there he is, and all she wants to do is forget him. Forget his hands on another woman. Forget his painfully beautiful blue eyes. Forget how it feels when her fingers are laced with his.

She the throws the bottle through the gap in the shower curtain and it crashes into the mirror causing it to shatter and she can hear each individual piece collide with the floor because to her, time is moving so excruciatingly slow. Her scream echoes throughout the small room, though she screams not because of the sudden breakage of the mirror or the exhaustion she is feeling, but because of the pain she is enduring and the agonizing truth that there is nothing she can do to numb it. She slides to the hot tiles at the bottom of the shower and binds herself together into the corner of the shower while the water flows over her shaking frame.

The steam within the shower builds and it condenses on the dusty, untouched surfaces of everything in the bathroom. After a while the water starts to adjust from hot to lukewarm and eventually the only water that is running over her is cold and pelting.

* * *

_**Hey guys, I'd love ****to hear what you think so don't be afraid to leave a review because I will most definitely rea****d it :)**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Guys, I spat this out so quickly I don't even remember half of what I wrote. Again, review I would looooove :)**_

* * *

The ceiling is such a stimulant when you can't fall asleep. Kate stares up at it in the severe silence of the night. It's everything unfamiliar to her. For her whole life she had gone to sleep with the sounds of traffic blaring from the streets below and the flashing lights of cars bouncing off her bedroom walls. This - this is entirely different. Her bed is a hard mass underneath her and all she can hear is the empty fridge in the kitchen humming. There are no dancing lights on her ceiling and walls, nor are there any horns from the traffic beneath her building. All she wants is her body is to succumb to sleep but her brain is screaming at her. So she's tossed and turned between her scratchy sheets for hours, trying to find the right position. She looks at the temporary night stand she's put next to her bed, consisting of her suitcase stacked with her phone atop it and checks the time on it. _1:40am._ Great. She has to be up in less than four hours.

It's almost two thirty in the morning when her phone jolts her awake. It's vibrating on her suitcase, the sounds echoing off the vacant walls. She moans into her uncomfortable pillow and aimlessly flails her arm in the direction on the suitcase before her hand finally closes over it. The light from her iPhone is blinding and she quickly answers without looking at the caller ID incase the person hangs up.  
"Hello?" she picks up.  
"Heeeeeeey! Kaaaate," dawdles a voice.  
She wrinkles her brows at the familiar voice on the other end.  
"Castle!?" She sits up rapidly, exposing her bare arms to the condensed heat of the room.  
"Yes, I called b-b-because I was wondering… What cover do you think I should use? Greeeeen…..or reeeeeeed? I'm thinking red…" He draws out, elongating each word.  
"Castle, are you drunk?" Kate says.  
"What?" he yells. "I'm completely sober. I've only drunk," he pauses, "A bottle of whiskey?"  
She lays still, not knowing how to respond to him, but he continues without waiting for a reply from her.  
"Actually, I lied. I called because… I miss you. Can you come back now?"  
He says it so casually as if she's just gone out for a simple milk run. She hears him fumbling around, probably sitting at his desk in front of his computer attempting to write, his office only lit by the light from his laptop. She's wide-eyed and silent throughout the noises that are coming from the other end of the conversation. A rapid bout of anger travels through her and she finds herself unable to contain it and she's suddenly yelling into the phone.  
"Castle, listen! I _don't_ love you anymore and I need you to understand that!" she pleads. "Please."  
Glass smashes in the background and she lurches in shock beneath her sheets. She hears him inhale deeply.  
"Kate, I need to tell you something. I have– "  
But she doesn't hear him finish because she's hung up and the pain is so deep because the truth is that she will _always_ love him.

In the morning she braces herself for the sight she is about to see in the mirror. The shadows beneath her eyes have returned after an absence of a year. She's attempted to conceal them with makeup for over ten minutes, however they still remain.

It's been two weeks and over 150 hours of time spent tracking down suspects, attempting to impress the her new boss Carl Villante, and chasing up leads which eventually leave them back at square one. She's been partnered up with a headstrong agent by the name of McCord who clearly has an eternity of experience behind her.

It's a relief when she finally blows the case wide open, resulting in firm pats on the back from the team and an impressed nod from Villante.  
"Good job on the case Agent Beckett. I'm quite surprised at the work you've done these past two weeks. You've really impressed everyone with the Knox case," McCord smiles. "Everyone thinks you have potential – including me. So enjoy the next two days off. You deserve it," she winks. And with that she turns and walks in the direction of the lift.

The two days off are just what Kate needs. She enters her small apartment and assesses all the boxes she has yet to unpack. They're stacked along every wall in the entryway and scattered down the hall in order to clear a path to her bedroom. She drops her keys with a clank onto the granite counter in the kitchen and lets out a frustrated sigh as she glides her fingers over her scalp in an effort to ease her stress. Lifting the flap of the closest cardboard box labelled utensils to her she begins emptying the contents of it onto the counters. Slowly, but surely, at a snail pace, the number of boxes are decreasing in the kitchen. The cupboards are growing full though the fridge still remains empty. The unreasonable hours of the job have left Kate with no time for menial tasks such as going to the grocery store, so when the clock is ticking close to seven thirty her stomach begins calling for food. She chuckles and makes her way through the cardboard box maze to the stack of advertisements she's collected from the mailbox. Flicking through she finally settles on Lee's Palace for the third time that week and calls to order some fried rice and sweet and sour pork for the night.

It's nearing eight o'clock when she opens her eyes to find that she has fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for the food to arrive. A knock on the door has awakened her from her untimely nap and she hastily dodges the boxes to open the front door and pay the delivery guy. The smell of the food causes her stomach to call out even louder as she lifts the containers from the plastic bag.

The TV hums silently as she inhales the food as though she hasn't eaten in days rather than hours when she unexpectedly she tosses the half full plastic down along with the chop sticks onto the coffee table and runs towards the toilet to empty the contents of her stomach. She grips the cold porcelain to steady herself as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She sits back on her heels and takes a moment to register what has just happened. _Bloody food. _She lolls her head back, loose hair tumbling down her back and, unsteadily rises to her feet to rinse out her mouth to rid herself of that God awful taste that is lingering in her throat and on her tongue. She stretches out her arm to retrieve the face towel on her counter when her fingers come in contact with the hard box filled with tampons. She stiffens at the sight of them.  
"Fuck."

* * *

The awkward elevator music plays around her as she waits silently in the waiting room of the unfamiliar medical clinic when her name is finally called after nearly an hour of clenched fists and shaky breaths.  
"Kate Beckett," her name is called.  
She nods and follows closely but hesitantly behind the man. The office is cold and the chair is hard beneath her. She doesn't need small talk, just the results.  
"Dr…" she quickly glances at the degree above his head, "Mayfair, just say it."  
"Kate, you're pregnant," he states.  
Kate looks towards the closed door and it takes all of her self-control to resist from bolting out of it to escape this situation. She closes her eyes and opens them slowly while exhaling.  
"I'm taking that this was unplanned?" he says.  
She lets out a forced laugh. "Very."  
The doctor in his white lab coat looks at her. There's almost a sympathetic look coming from him as he shuffles his office chair closer to her and leans forward.  
"Kate," he begins, "There are options, though I'm sure you're well aware of them."  
"I know," she nods.  
"Well," he turns around on his chair to gather a small stack of pamphlets. "Which ever option you choose I want you to call me when you've decided." He places the stack in front of her.  
"Sure," she softly replies and takes them in her hand.  
They slowly go through all of her choices, though she can hardly remember any of them as she wants nothing more than to go back to her apartment, lie in bed and curl up in a cocoon beneath her blankets.

Kate is back at work the next day, reviewing the countless pamphlets that she's read the previous night in her head. Her fingers hover over the keys of the keyboard, pretending to enter the report from her most recent closed case. Her back is stiff from her still position that she has been sitting in for the past hour and a half, though her mind is focussed on anything but work.

"Agent Beckett. Agent Beckett," a voice presses. Kate finally looks up. "I've been calling for you for five minutes." Villante shakes his head and signals for her to go into his office where McCord is already waiting.  
He gives her a simple debriefing on the new case and releases her after several minutes of her continuous nodding and trying to concentrate in the task at hand.  
"Hey," McCord taps her on the shoulder as she is heading back to her cramped desk. "Where are you today? You're completely distracted."  
"Yeah, uh, um, I just had a rough night," she avoids eye contact.  
"If you can't handle the pressure Beckett than perhaps – "  
"No," Kate cuts her off. "It's not that. I'm pregnant," she spits out, no longer able to contain it.  
McCord shakes her head. "Beckett, what are you looking for right now?"  
"The truth? I have absolutely no idea," she breathes.  
"Well, if you were looking for The Great American Dream you wouldn't have exactly taken this job then would you? I've had to give up a lot for my career - relationships, proper working hours, time. A _lot_ of time," McCord lists. "Just think about what you want before making any irrational decisions."

Kate's sitting on her couch, fingers lingering over the digits on the screen of her cell recites the numbers in her head as she looks at the white contact card in her hand before swiftly typing them in. _This job, it's what I want. _Kate quickly presses the call button before she can back out. It rings for a moment and someone picks up.  
"Hello, Dr. Townsend's office. Angela speaking, how may I help you?" pipes a quirky voice.  
"Yes, this is Kate Beckett."


	5. Chapter 5

**_Guys, remember that it is an _**angst/drama**_ fic so if you cannot handle dramatic/angsty words such as "cries" and "feels" then please proceed to the nearest exit…..or you can continue, it's up to you. :) YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Anyway, I'm sorry._**

The room is cold and sterile. Kate can feel the thin hospital gown slipping off her fragile shoulders. She tugs at it aggressively in an attempt to reposition it to an at least manageable position on her body. Her hands tremble as she places them back down onto her shaking knees as she waits. It's silent but for the shuffle of nurses and doctors in the other side of the door and the ticking of the clock on the wall. She tries to take deep, concentrated breaths to lower her racing heart, though all she can think about is fast forwarding the next hour so it can all be over.

But she can't. _Kate, _she thinks, _it can all be over right now._She swiftly places her feet back onto the cold linoleum floor of the room and makes the decision before the doctor comes back. She unties the gown from behind her back and gently places the delicate piece of fabric on an adjacent chair while gathering her unironed clothing in a heap between her arms. Quickly, she changes under the fluorescent lights. She endeavours to smooth out her wrinkled clothing with her sweating palms and soon after discreetly makes her way towards the exit of the room. The stark lighting in the hallways blind her as the brightness recoils off the walls and Kate has to shield her eyes. Finally, she makes it outside into the warm sun of Autumn.

The city around her bustles in the morning rush to get to work. The cars honk frantically around her and men and women quickstep towards their office complexes in the heart of the CBD. She walks, walks until her feet are throbbing and she no longer recognises the streets and avenues that surround her. Only when her stomach calls of for a demand of food does she, for the first time that morning, check her phone. She places her hands on her abdomen in an effort to calm her empty stomach down when she truly comprehends what she has just done. _A baby._ And the tears threaten to fall down her cheeks. In less than eight months she is going to have a crying, kicking baby that is going to need affection, care and, most of all, a loving mother. She whispers all her thoughts to her flat stomach and Kate recalls the moment she sees the tiny body within her the the technician had described was about the size of a pea. She reminisces about the moment until a bike rider passing by abruptly interrupts her thoughts. Kate knows that a life is precious so she lowers he voice and promises to her baby, "Baby, I'm going to look after you, and promise to love you more than I love you right now. I can't wait to meet you." She smiles and knows that if she's going to look after her child she has to get some food into herself first.

Kate makes her way down the street and finds herself in a pleasantly decorated coffee shop. She opens her mouth to place her regular order of a "skim latte with two pump of sugar-free vanilla" but quickly catches her tongue. That order is lost in the past. She grins like a child on a merry-go-round to the barista at the thought and instead orders tea. She sits by the open pane of glass which lets in the cool wind of the beginning of the season and sips at a relaxed pace, in no hurry to be anywhere. The sweet honey within the tea causes her to relax and lean back against the chair to admire the passing traffic outside the café window.

It's almost noon when she steps outside of the small shop to find that all of the shops have now opened their storefronts, ready to welcome customers in. It's a cardboard cut-out of Richard Castle that makes Kate come to a stand-still. Her lips are pressed together as she reads the sign to herself.

_The highly anticipated ending to the Nikki Heat series – Deadly Heat. In stores now!_

Should she go there? She remembers Castle sitting at his large desk, hearing the keys click, while she lies in bed in the early hours of the night. This time, her curiosity for Nikki's final moments on paper defeats her want for closure in that chapter in her life. She places a delicate foot inside the bookstore. The smell of books had always given her a feeling of comfort and contentment. She had never gotten to tell him how his books were the one thing that had gotten her through her mother's murder, how she had stayed up reading his books deep into the night to rid herself of the nightmares she would have every night, or how they saved her from letting her dad spiral back down into the deep crevasse he was stuck in for so long. The ring on the chain hangs heavier around her neck so she picks it up with her hand and runs her fingers around the dainty band as she approaches the remaining few hard-covered novels left on the shelf. Without hesitation she moves towards the checkout.

She sits in her bed that night and grasps the new book between her fingers. For a moment all she does is take in the smell of the pages and adjusts the glossy red dust cover. Taking the hardened cover in her fingers, she flips the book open and turns the first page to find the dedication. _He's changed it._

_For Kate, who is enough._

She sucks her lips between her teeth and urges the tears not to fall. A droplet sneaks its way down her flushed cheek, leaving a trail. They come continuously, catching in the corner of her mouth. She lets out a shaky breath and places the book onto the table by her bed and flicks the switch on the lamp to turn it off.

Every night for the next week it stares back at her from the bedside table, taunting her, wanting to be read. And eventually she gives in and reads it in one sitting. He gives Nikki and Rook a wedding, children, a happy ending_. _He gives them a future _together_ – a future that they couldn't have together because she walked away. She sets, the now heavy, book into the coffee table and stares at it. God, she misses him. The familiar feeling of him holding her hand drifts its way into her mind. She can picture the way he would delicately twine each of his fingers slowly around hers and let the warmth from his body radiating off him as they sit nestled together on his couch while watching television. He would pull on her hair and coil it around his finger on one hand while letting the other rest gently on her thigh. She should call him. _Tell him._ She reaches for her phone but she freezes with her arm suspended in mid-air. She's just not ready yet.

There's only silence when Kate is shaken awake in the darkness of the night. It's too warm under the sheets so she sits up to throw the off her body. The pain is sudden and sharp when it hits her. She cradles her stomach only to find a metallic black liquid spread over her sheets. She claws at the mattress, her hand painted in burning red, in an effort to erase what is happening. _No, no, no. _She chokes on her sobs that echo off the walls of the bedroom as she reaches desperately for her phone.

The white sheets of the hospital bed are rigid and stiff as she waits for the doctor to come back. She sits there for an hour, still and silent as a post. Not a single word is returned to the empathetic doctors and nurses as they help her in and out of gowns for tests. Footsteps approach her waiting form and though she knows what is about to be said she has to hear it to fully comprehend the daunting fact.

"….miscarriage…" is all she hears. All she _needs _to hear to finally lose control.  
She doesn't meet the doctor's eyes, just nods to the linoleum floor. When he walks away she lets the tears fall, and she cries. She cries for herself, she cries for her child, she cries for _him,_ and she knows of nothing else until the sun rises.

The apartment is frozen when she returns. She throws her things down in the hallway and carries herself towards the bedroom. The bed stares at her, doused in crimson. The rage surfaces from within her. She stalks towards it and rips the sheets off of the mattress, throws the blanket into a heap at the foot of the bed and tosses a throw over it to conceal the lingering demon. She drowns herself in the pillows and sheets until she can barely breathe.

She lays there for hours which trickle into days and it's already a week when her alarm goes off at five AM to plunge her back into a routine which she's not ready for.

* * *

Her feet pound the hard pavement beneath her feet as she rounds a bend in the street. Expired Christmas decorations line the street spotted with children waiting for the daily pick-up from school. She yells out to the man to stop but she can see him continue running through the children, towering over them with his tall yet lean build. He dodges traffic and she almost loses him for a second as a sedan beeps its horn at her as she makes her way across the road.

The park is crowded at this time in the afternoon with parents and their children covering every piece of grass. She spots the man who seemingly thinks he has lost her. She sees him slumped against a large tree next to an ice-cream truck breathing heavily after a long run. She slows down as she approaches him from behind, making sure her steps are silent. Her hands are on her weapon, nudging at her thigh as she side-steps closer yet again.

His movements are swift and expected and in the space of just two seconds his rounded the truck, reaching for a child and wound his lean arms around him tightly. She stops, her foot cemented, when he pulls out a gun and rams it into the child's ribcage.

"Stop!" he commands. "Or I'll shoot."  
Her gun is still raised, ready to defend. Though all she can think about is the boy he holds at gunpoint. He takes a step back, pulling the boy with him. Kate looks at the young boy, maybe ten years old, she looks at his grey eyes and the only feeling she registers from him is fear. She steps closer, though the perpetrator responds by shoving the gun even harder into the boy's side resulting in a cry. She can't lose him, though she can't lose the child either. _It's somebody's child. It could be my child._ So she lowers her arm and watches as he takes the boy away.

* * *

"Beckett, you're god-damn lucky you had backup!" Villante rages, pointing a finger at her as he emphasises each word. "We can't afford these sorts of mistakes!"  
"I know Sir. I just had to consider the possibility of him hurting the boy," she tries.  
"No, Beckett! You froze! Just…." He presses a thumb and index finger to his temples. "Just tell me it won't happen again."  
"It won't happen again, Sir," she confirms.

* * *

The wind picks up as she arrives at the crime scene. It's chilled and piercing, flowing between the parked vehicles, in the death of Winter. She gathers her wool coat closer around her taut and tired body to prevent the wind from getting in. Flashing her badge, she ducks under the familiar yellow tape to greet McCord who is standing there already assessing the scene in the early hours of morning.

The lights flash around her, bouncing off the glossy parked SUV's and sedans, as she rounds the silver parked car to look at the lifeless body slouched in the back seat.

And then she sees the blood.

It's glowing a ghastly red in the dim lights from the street flowing into the alley, dripping from the black leather upholstery onto the dark pavement and running into the gutter. She can almost hear it drip and _God_ can she smell it. The repulsive smell of it is heavy in the air. She closes her eyes to shut the image of the blood out of her mind but she can't take it.

She takes off, weaving through the throng of feds and cars to escape the scene. McCord yells for her and Kate considers going back, but the last thing she wants to do is turn around. So she runs down the empty streets, past storefronts, past houses, until the only thing she can do is draw oxygen into her lungs. Her shoulders rise in a steady rhythm as she wipes the sweat that has condensed on her forehead away with the back of her hand. The bile rises in her throat and she rushes over to empty the contents of her stomach into the gutter.

Her phone rings again and again though she ignores it as she sits alone on the curb.

* * *

"Beckett, get in here. Now," says Villante firmly from the doorway of his office.

She has just stepped off the elevator and Villante is already pulling her into his office.

"Beckett," he starts. "We need people whom we can rely on. There've been two incidents already this year. It's only February. I understand what you've been through but I need the strongest team possible. I don't believe you're fit for this position." he goes on.

She's being fired. She's being fired from the job that she had to travel 250 miles for, the job that has shaken her foundations, the job that she has just lost.

_This was my shot. And I just screwed it up._

She just stares at him.

"Beckett, it's time to turn in your badge," he says firmly.

She puts it down on the desk in front of Villante along with her service weapon. She meets his eyes for the first time since walking into his office. She looks at his hard brown eyes and tells him, "You don't understand."

She rides the elevator down to her parked car under the building. It's empty and her footsteps echo off the concrete walls. Her car doors click open and she sits in front of the wheel. She's kept in for too long. She can't do it anymore so she lets the tears stream down her face, her hands gripping the steering wheel as sobs wrack her body.

For the first time in five years, she feels so tragically alone.


	6. Chapter 6

She stares at him through the pane of glass. She hasn't seen him in nearly eight months. Not even a year but from where she stands she can see new wrinkles formed on his forehead as if they were from decades of worry.

She can hear his voice in her mind, _"Katie, we're worried. This boy you're running around with…"_ She lightly chuckles to herself and pushes the door open, ringing the bell hanging above the doorway.

She walks over and looks down at him reading the morning newspaper over his usual black coffee.

"Dad," she greets him.

He looks up and his mouth spreads into a wide smile. He stands up and envelopes her into an overwhelming hug. She misses his familiar arms around her and she buries her face even deeper into the collar of his tweed coat to feel at home again. She takes in his smell, his crushing embrace and when she closes her eyes it almost feels as though she never left.

"Katie, I'm so glad you're back," he shares.

They sit down, across from each other, their hands interlocked and centred between them on the table.

"Me too Dad," she breathes.

Jim looks at his daughter and can't help but notice the furrow between her brows when she says it. She's hidden in a shell for the past eight months, keeping distant contact from all the familiar New York faces. They know nothing of the trauma that she's been through. She's told them that the job just didn't feel right.

Kate breaks the bonds between after a while to allow her dad to flick through menu.

Her eyes are downcast, searching the table for something, _anything_ to talk about so that the topic of Him won't be brought up.

But luckily all he does is slide over another menu, though she pushes it away back towards him. She smiles, "I know what I want."

He turns the pages, contemplating what to order when he says suddenly "I read the dedication the other day. It's something…"

"Dad," she threatens with a warning look.

"Katie, you have to know… Rick's not doing too well and the way you left things just isn't right in these circumstances."

"These circumstances?" Kate questions. "He lied to me. About us."

"Just – "

"You know what Dad? I don't want to talk about it," she interrupts. "Let's just order some food already. Okay?"

She's starting to get irritated. All she wants is to forget about him and move on. Though all her father does is knead and press for more.

They give their order to the waitress and avoid eye contact with one another, already sorry for the minor, insignificant argument that they have just had.

She peels at the cracked red leather of the cushioned seat she is sitting on. She peels the dry faux leather back, weathered down from years of wear. She can distinctly remember the first time she and her dad had come into the place, how he complimented the friendliness of the staff and life of the diner. It had become their own solitary place ever since, where they would be able to talk to each other across the booth.

But today - today it is dark and muted. It's much quieter than the familiar diner they are used to and the few customers eat silently at their own secluded tables. The overcast clouds outside are threatening to release rain at any moment and dark shadows hang over the streets outside.

When their food arrives the two of them exchange small talk over their plates, secretly glancing at each other over their hamburgers when nothing is being said.

"Are you planning on staying at my place for now?"

"Yeah, but just until I find a place. I've called some agents up already. We're going to go see some after this."

"So you're staying?"

She raises her eyebrows at the confusing question.

"Here, in New York I mean," Jim elaborates.

She smiles at her now empty plate. "I think so."

She misses New York. After the long period of being without the bustling city she still hasn't gotten used to the quiet nights alone. Here is everything familiar to her – the sights, the sounds, the smell, the people. Here is _home._

As if on cue, Jim again brings up the topic Kate has a strong desire to steer clear of.

"Katie, you know…Perhaps you should go visit Rick. While - "

"Stop," she interrupts by holding her hand up. "I don't want to talk about _Castle," _she corrects him. "He's probably got some bimbo hanging onto his right arm already."

She can see her Dad widen his eyes at what she has just said.

"Dad, I don't think you understand, but I've moved on. I'm trying to forget about him and what happened between us. It's been more than half a year and we haven't seen each other nor spoken to each other even once. He obviously doesn't want anything to do with me," Kate confesses.

She can only wonder how long she can lie to others about her feelings for Castle before believing them herself. She's paced for nights, her phone in her hand, fingers hovering over the call button. And now she's sitting here, fighting the urge to sprint to his loft and kiss him hard against the door.

They sit in an awkward hush, staring at each other, Jim with his mouth partially open, not knowing what to say.

"Look," Kate glances at her watch. "I have to go now Dad but I'll see you back at yours later okay?"

She slides herself out of the booth and waves to him as she passes through the door.

The bitter wind strikes her hard as she stands outside the diner. Her arm is raised, ready to hail a taxi but she changes her mind, lowering it and instead choosing to walk. She makes her way down the street, weaving through throngs of people. Looking up at the looming clouds she prays that she can make it the four blocks to the prospective apartment before they release their rain.

She hears someone call her name.

"Kate, Kate!"

So she turns around, completely taken aback by the grinning red head with familiar blue eyes staring back at her.

"Alexis! Wow! How have you been? How's school?" Kate asks, the words flowing from her mouth.

"It's been great! How's DC?" questions Alexis.

"Yeah…. Not going to say that it was amazing. It just wasn't for me," Kate lies, avoiding the blue eyes that look warmly back at hers.

"Well, it's just one chance in a sea of possibilities," she assures. "Does that mean you're back in New York?"

"Yes. I am back," Kate strains, uncomfortable about the impending silence. "Well, I have to go now Alexis but… maybe I'll see you around?"

"Yeah, bye Kate," Alexis waves as she turns to signal for a taxi.

Kate turns, only then comprehending who she has just spoken with. Not with some old work colleague or old friend from college but _Castle's daughter_.

"Alexis!"

The young girl turns around, her red braid swinging over her shoulder and her eyebrows raised. "Yeah?"

Kate, quick in her boots walks towards her to close the rift between them.

"Alexis, um," Kate stutters, finding it hard to say the words. "Just…. Tell your dad I said hi okay?"

The younger girl tilts her head, unsure how to respond to the sudden interest Kate has in her father.

"It's okay to be mad Kate. About what happened between the two of you. He understands now. You were under a lot of pressure and you were conflicted. And I want so bad to be angry at you for leaving him like this, but I understand too," admits Alexis. "I just think you should know though that you're the only person who he loves."

"Castle," Kate pauses confused by the sudden confession from Alexis. "He's okay right?"

"No, he's okay. Could be better though. It's just… the past two months…" She takes a deep and shaky breath. "I mean, after you left it's like he didn't know what to do anymore," the redhead attempts to hide the tears balanced on her delicately on her waterline. Her downcast eyes search the pavement quickly becoming speckled with rain drops.

Kate lowers her head in an effort to read Alexis. She's been in DC, trying to adjust to life without him, rebuild her foundations, but she hasn't recognised the way in which her decision has affected him too, or his daughter.

"Alexis, are _you_ okay?"

The redhead has shrunken, her usual perfect posture now collapsed, her arms held tight against her trembling body. The tears flow down her airbrushed skin and she shakes her head.

She looks her in Kate's eyes. "I don't know what to do Kate. It's like he's not here anymore."

Kate takes the girl into her arms, cradling her against her chest, not worrying about the rain that has begun to fall heavily.

They stand there together, wrapped in each other's embrace, Alexis's arms tight around the tall woman's waist, the water still flowing constantly down her cheeks.

Finally, when the younger girl has stopped shaking they break apart. Their clothing is saturated, sticking to their skin, hair plastered to their faces. The wind chills their wet bodies, covered in goose bumps from the cold.

"You should come visit him. It's what we need," the girl pleads.

Kate looks at the warm, blue eyes staring back at her, unsure of what to say. She's taken the girl's father away from her. She has to at least attempt to fix what she has broken. So she nods.

"That's perfect!" she exclaims in an outburst of joy. "Look, I need to get going now but come tomorrow okay? Ten o'clock- the loft. Meet me there."

Kate stands in the pouring rain, watching the girl get into a taxi and drive away. She stands there, unsure if she's made the right choice.

* * *

The red door closes behind her, slamming loudly in its frame. She drops her keys and bag in a heap by the door.

"Grams, Grams!" Alexis yells up the stairs, swinging herself around the railing.

Martha makes her way down the stairs, hurriedly worried about her granddaughter. "Alexis, what has you in such a commotion?"

Alexis jumps up and down, her feet moving rapidly in place. "Kate's back! Can you believe it!? I just ran into her today and she said that she was going to come see Dad tomorrow and it's going to be and great and it'll just fix everything! "

The older woman stands still and silent on the stairs.

"Grams?"

"Alexis, Kate coming might not fix anything. She's been gone for more than half a year. They haven't seen each other, they haven't spoken each other. She might not even be prepared to see him yet."

The young girl he shakes her head, taking a few steps back. "I don't know what's worse - that Dad's given up hope or that you have too."

"Look, Kiddo, I'm sorry…." She steps closer, trying to place a warm arm around her shoulder but Alexis recoils away.

"Just._ Shut. Up._ I don't need sympathy anymore, not from you, from my friends, _anyone_! All I need is my dad back. All I need is for this to be over."

_**Holy crap... What do you guys think will happen when they see each other again? I would love to know. :)**_


End file.
